WOULD YOU STILL WANT IT IF NOBODY COULD SEE IT?

• A question worth asking about whose approval you're chasing.*

Here's a slightly uncomfortable question.

Would you still want that thing if nobody else ever knew you had it?

The beautiful house.

The expensive car.

The designer handbag.

The impressive job title.

The perfectly toned body.

The fabulous holiday.

The promotion.

The enormous kitchen island that could comfortably accommodate a small family of four.

Would you still want it if you couldn't tell anyone about it?

If you couldn't post a photograph?

If nobody complimented you?

If nobody was impressed?

It's an interesting thought experiment.

And potentially a rather revealing one.

Because sometimes the things we think we want aren't entirely about the things themselves.

They're about what those things say about us.

And there's a difference between wanting something because it makes your life better and wanting something because it makes you look better in somebody else's eyes.

What do we really want?

Most of us have goals and ambitions.

We want to be healthy.

Successful.

Attractive.

Financially secure.

Respected.

Happy.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But underneath these ambitions can sit different motivations.

You might want to exercise because you love feeling strong, energetic and capable.

Or because you feel embarrassed about how your body looks.

You might want a promotion because you enjoy your work and want new challenges.

Or because you feel inadequate compared with your friends.

You might want a beautiful home because you love creating a comfortable environment.

Or because you want visitors to be impressed.

And you might want an expensive car because you genuinely enjoy driving it.

Or because you rather like the idea of people noticing what you're driving.

Possibly both.

Human motivation is rarely entirely pure, and it doesn't need to be.

The interesting thing is becoming aware of what's driving us.

Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation

Psychologists often distinguish between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.

Intrinsic motivation involves doing something because the activity itself is interesting, enjoyable or satisfying.

You play tennis because you love playing tennis.

You learn to paint because you enjoy creating something.

You read because you're curious.

You dance because it makes you happy.

Extrinsic motivation involves doing something for an outcome separate from the activity itself.

You exercise to improve your health.

You work to earn money.

You study to gain a qualification.

You dress beautifully because you enjoy receiving compliments.

Extrinsic motivation isn't automatically bad.

We all need money. Qualifications can open doors. Health goals can be meaningful.

And sometimes we begin doing something for an external reason and discover that we genuinely enjoy it.

There's also an important middle ground: we may choose an activity because it reflects our personal values, even if the activity itself isn't particularly enjoyable.

You might not love every minute of strength training, for example, but value remaining strong and independent as you age.

The key question isn't simply whether a motivation is intrinsic or extrinsic.

It's whether the goal feels genuinely chosen and meaningful to you, rather than driven mainly by pressure, comparison or fear of judgement.

The approval trap

Most of us enjoy approval.

A compliment can brighten our day.

Recognition for hard work feels good.

Being admired or appreciated can be enormously satisfying.

There's nothing shameful about that.

The difficulty comes when approval becomes the main measure of our worth.

We begin making decisions based on how they'll look.

We worry about whether other people will be impressed.

We compare our achievements.

We chase the next thing that might finally make us feel successful, attractive or important enough.

And when we achieve it?

The satisfaction may be surprisingly short-lived.

Because there's always another person with a bigger house, a better job, a more expensive handbag or an apparently more fabulous life.

It's an exhausting competition.

Particularly because nobody ever tells you when you've won.

The invisible audience

Imagine you're getting dressed for an evening out.

You try on something you absolutely love.

It's comfortable. It makes you feel fabulous. It's very you.

Then a little voice appears.

"Is it too much?"

"Will people think I'm trying too hard?"

"Am I too old to wear this?"

"Will anyone notice?"

Suddenly, you're no longer choosing clothes entirely for yourself.

You're dressing for an imaginary audience.

And we do this in other areas of life too.

We choose careers that sound impressive.

Holidays that look wonderful in photographs.

Restaurants that other people recommend.

Exercise routines that promise a particular appearance.

Homes that demonstrate success.

Sometimes we genuinely enjoy these things.

But sometimes we're so busy imagining how our lives appear from the outside that we forget to ask how they feel from the inside.

A life can look absolutely wonderful and still feel completely wrong for the person living it.

The body you want — and why you want it

Appearance and fitness are particularly interesting areas to explore.

Perhaps you want to lose weight.

Build muscle.

Improve your fitness.

Look younger.

Change your shape.

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to look good.

Most of us enjoy feeling attractive.

But it can be useful to explore what's underneath the goal.

Do you want to feel stronger?

Move more comfortably?

Have more energy?

Protect your long-term health?

Feel confident in your clothes?

Or are you hoping that changing your appearance will finally make you feel acceptable to other people?

The distinction matters.

Because if your self-worth depends entirely on achieving a particular appearance, the goalposts can keep moving.

You lose the weight.

Then you notice the wrinkles.

You improve your fitness.

Then you compare yourself with somebody younger.

You change your body.

But the critical voice remains.

Perhaps the more useful question is:

"What do I want my body to help me experience, rather than simply how do I want it to look?"

That doesn't mean appearance can't matter.

It means appearance doesn't have to be the only thing that matters.

Careers, success and the impressive job title

Have you ever met someone who seems enormously successful but thoroughly miserable?

They have the salary.

The title.

The responsibilities.

The impressive LinkedIn profile.

And absolutely no enthusiasm for getting out of bed on Monday morning.

Of course, work can be difficult even when it's meaningful.

And financial responsibilities mean we can't always choose careers based entirely on enjoyment.

But sometimes we pursue professional goals because they represent status rather than genuine fulfilment.

We want to be seen as successful.

Respected.

Important.

Someone who's achieved something.

And perhaps we continue climbing a ladder long after we've stopped questioning whether it's leaning against the right wall.

Imagine removing the job title.

The salary comparison.

The prestige.

What would you still want from your working life?

Challenge?

Creativity?

Connection?

Security?

Independence?

Flexibility?

Purpose?

Perhaps the answer would surprise you.

Social media: A shop window for our lives

Social media has given us extraordinary opportunities to connect, learn, create and share.

It's also given us a permanent audience.

We can document our holidays, outfits, workouts, meals, homes, relationships and achievements.

And sometimes sharing is simply enjoyable.

But it's worth noticing when the experience itself begins to feel less important than the reaction it receives.

Did I enjoy the holiday?

Or did I enjoy how impressive it looked?

Did I love the outfit?

Or did I love the compliments?

Am I proud of my achievement?

Or am I disappointed because the post didn't receive enough attention?

There's nothing wrong with wanting people to appreciate what we share.

But perhaps we can occasionally ask ourselves:

"Would this still have been worth doing if I hadn't posted it?"

When comparison quietly changes our goals

Imagine being perfectly happy with your kitchen.

It works.

It's comfortable.

You enjoy cooking in it.

Then you visit a friend's newly renovated house.

Suddenly, your kitchen seems rather tired.

The cupboards are wrong.

The worktops are wrong.

And you've developed a previously unsuspected need for a boiling-water tap.

Nothing about your kitchen has actually changed.

Only the comparison.

This is one reason social comparison can be so influential.

Our satisfaction doesn't always depend solely on what we have.

It can also depend on what we perceive other people to have.

Sometimes comparison inspires us.

We see someone doing something wonderful and realise we'd like to try it too.

But sometimes it creates dissatisfaction where there was none before.

It's worth asking:

"Did I want this before I saw somebody else had it?"

You can enjoy lovely things without apologising

Now, before this becomes a lecture about abandoning material possessions and living in a yurt, let's be clear.

You're allowed to enjoy beautiful things.

You can love fashion.

Cars.

Interior design.

Fine dining.

Luxury holidays.

Expensive shoes.

A beautifully landscaped garden.

Or an entirely unnecessary number of handbags.

Pleasure, beauty and enjoyment are legitimate reasons to want something.

Not every purchase needs to serve a profound psychological purpose.

And sometimes it's perfectly reasonable to want something simply because it makes you smile.

The question isn't whether your desires are sufficiently virtuous.

It's whether they're genuinely yours.

You don't need to justify enjoying a beautiful dress by explaining that it supports your personal development.

Sometimes it's just a fabulous dress.

What if nobody was watching?

Here's the heart of the exercise.

Imagine living your life without an audience.

Nobody could see your house.

Nobody knew your salary.

Nobody saw your car.

Nobody could judge your appearance.

Nobody knew where you went on holiday.

Nobody could see your achievements.

What would you still choose?

What would you stop pursuing?

What might become more important?

Perhaps you'd spend more time with people you love.

Perhaps you'd choose a less prestigious but more enjoyable career.

Perhaps you'd still buy the beautiful car because you genuinely love driving it.

Perhaps you'd stop worrying quite so much about your body.

Perhaps you'd finally try something you've been avoiding because you were afraid of looking foolish.

And perhaps you'd discover that some of your ambitions really do belong to you.

That's useful information too.

What does the psychology tell us?

Several areas of research help explain the relationship between motivation, approval and wellbeing.

Self-determination theory: Research distinguishes between different forms of motivation and suggests that feeling autonomous — acting in ways that are personally meaningful and chosen — is important for wellbeing.

Intrinsic and extrinsic aspirations: Research has explored how prioritising goals such as personal growth, relationships and community differs from prioritising wealth, fame and image. On average, stronger emphasis on extrinsic aspirations has been associated with poorer wellbeing, although context and individual circumstances matter.

Social comparison: People evaluate themselves partly by comparing their abilities, achievements and circumstances with those of others.

Contingent self-worth: When self-esteem depends heavily on external achievements or approval, setbacks in those areas can have a disproportionate emotional impact.

Hedonic adaptation: People often adjust to improvements in their circumstances, meaning the emotional boost from a new possession or achievement may diminish over time.

None of this means money, success, appearance or recognition are unimportant.

It simply suggests that relying on them as the primary foundation of self-worth may leave us vulnerable to constant comparison and dissatisfaction.

A little coaching reflection

Think about a goal, ambition or possession that feels important to you.

1. What do I want?

Try to be specific.

2. Why do I want it?

What do I believe having or achieving it will give me?

3. How much does other people's approval matter?

Would I still want it if nobody knew?

4. What feelings am I hoping it will create?

Confidence, security, happiness, belonging, excitement, pride or something else?

5. Is there another way I could experience some of those feelings?

Perhaps without needing to achieve the exact goal?

6. Does this goal reflect my values?

Or am I responding mainly to expectations, comparisons or pressure?

7. What would I choose if I felt completely free from judgement?

Would anything change?

Try this: The invisible audience test

Choose three things you're currently working towards or considering.

They might involve health, appearance, career, relationships, money or lifestyle.

For each, ask:

My goal or desireWould I still want it if nobody could see it?What matters most to me about it?1.2.3.

There are no right or wrong answers.

You might discover that something is driven partly by status.

That's not a moral failing.

You might realise that a goal you thought was superficial actually reflects something deeply meaningful.

Or you might discover that you've been pursuing something mainly because you thought you should.

The purpose isn't to judge your motivations.

It's to understand them.

A final thought

We spend much of our lives trying to build something.

A career.

A home.

A family.

A body we're comfortable in.

Financial security.

A lifestyle we enjoy.

And somewhere along the way, it's easy to become distracted by how all of this appears to other people.

Are we successful enough?

Attractive enough?

Interesting enough?

Impressive enough?

But perhaps the most important measure isn't how your life looks from the outside.

It's how it feels to you.

Do you enjoy the things you're working towards?

Do they reflect your values?

Do they make your everyday life better?

Do they bring meaning, pleasure, connection or satisfaction?

Or are you hoping they'll finally convince other people — and perhaps yourself — that you're good enough?

You don't have to stop wanting lovely things, achieving ambitious goals or enjoying recognition. Just make sure you're not spending your life trying to impress an audience at the expense of the person actually living it.

And if you still want the designer handbag, the sports car or the fabulous holiday when nobody's looking?

Wonderful.

At least you know who's really choosing.

Sources and further reading

• Ryan, R. M. & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78.

• Kasser, T. & Ryan, R. M. (1996). Further Examining the American Dream: Differential Correlates of Intrinsic and Extrinsic Goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 22(3), 280–287.

• Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.

• Crocker, J. & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of Self-Worth. Psychological Review, 108(3), 593–623.

• Brickman, P. & Campbell, D. T. (1971). Hedonic Relativism and Planning the Good Society. In M. H. Appley (Ed.), Adaptation-Level Theory: A Symposium. Academic Press.

FUSION FIT — MOVE WELL • EAT WELL • LIVE WELL