WHOSE DREAM IS IT ANYWAY?
Are you encouraging your children to follow their dreams — or the ones you never fulfilled?
Have you ever found yourself encouraging your child to do something because you genuinely believe it would be wonderful for them?
A particular sport. A musical instrument. A university degree. A career. An opportunity to travel.
You can see the potential.
You know how much they could get out of it.
You might even be prepared to move heaven and earth to make it happen.
There's just one small question.
Is it something they actually want?
Or, if we're being really honest, is it something you wish you'd done?
Perhaps you were a talented tennis player who never quite made it.
Perhaps you wish you'd worked harder at school.
Perhaps you turned down an opportunity to study abroad, gave up music too young or never pursued the career you really wanted.
And now you have children.
Children with opportunities.
Children with potential.
Children who could do all those wonderful things you didn't.
If only they'd bloody well appreciate it.
Sound familiar?
WE ALL BRING OUR OWN HISTORY INTO PARENTING
None of us arrives at parenthood as a completely blank slate.
We bring our childhoods, experiences, disappointments, successes, insecurities and beliefs about what makes a good life.
Perhaps your parents pushed you too hard.
Perhaps they didn't push you enough.
Perhaps you grew up without much money and missed opportunities that other children seemed to take for granted.
Perhaps you had wonderful opportunities but didn't appreciate them at the time.
Or perhaps you were always told what you couldn't do, and you're determined that your children will never feel similarly restricted.
These experiences naturally influence how we parent.
And often our intentions are excellent.
We want to give our children the things we didn't have.
We want to protect them from making the mistakes we made.
We want them to have choices.
We want them to be happy.
But sometimes, without realising it, we start confusing giving our children opportunities with expecting them to take them.
THE LIFE YOU WISH YOU'D LIVED
Imagine you were a talented swimmer as a child.
You loved it, but your parents couldn't afford the lessons, or perhaps nobody was available to take you to competitions.
Years later, your own child shows an interest in swimming.
Wonderful!
You arrange lessons.
You buy the equipment.
You drive to training.
You encourage them to join a club.
Before long, you're getting up at five in the morning, travelling across the country and spending your weekends sitting beside swimming pools.
You're completely committed.
But your child?
They're beginning to lose interest.
They'd quite like to stop.
And you find yourself thinking:
Do you realise how lucky you are?
I'd have given anything for this opportunity.
You've got so much potential.
You'll regret giving it up.
Perhaps they will.
But perhaps they won't.
The opportunity you desperately wanted at their age isn't necessarily the opportunity they want at theirs.
And that's where things can become complicated.
ARE YOU TRYING TO PREVENT YOUR OWN REGRETS?
Regret is a powerful emotion.
We look back and think about the things we might have done differently.
The exams we could have worked harder for.
The chances we didn't take.
The relationships we didn't pursue.
The career we never attempted.
The talent we didn't develop.
And we imagine how different life might have been.
Psychologists sometimes describe this kind of thinking as counterfactual thinking — imagining alternative versions of the past.
It's perfectly normal.
But there's a danger when we begin treating our imagined alternative life as though it would definitely have been better.
Perhaps you wish you'd gone to university.
But would university necessarily have made you happier?
Perhaps you regret giving up the piano.
But would you really have become a concert pianist?
Perhaps you wish you'd pursued a particular career.
But you can't know how that career would actually have unfolded.
We tend to remember the possibilities of the road not taken without always considering its potential difficulties.
And sometimes we try to protect our children from regrets that belong to us.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ENCOURAGEMENT AND PRESSURE
This is where parenting becomes a balancing act.
Because children do need encouragement.
They don't always know what they're capable of.
They may want to give up something simply because it's difficult, unfamiliar or requires effort.
They may need help developing perseverance, confidence and resilience.
And sometimes parents really do know that sticking with something a little longer could be worthwhile.
But there's a difference between saying:
“I know this is difficult, but you've worked hard and I think it's worth giving it another term.”
And saying:
“You're not giving this up. You've got too much talent to waste.”
The first invites discussion.
The second may communicate that the child's wishes matter less than their potential.
Of course, the distinction isn't always that straightforward.
Children's interests change. Commitments matter. Financial and practical considerations matter too.
But it's worth asking:
Am I encouraging my child because this matters to them — or because I can't bear to watch them walk away from something that would have mattered to me?
WHEN THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS BECOME PART OF OUR IDENTITY
Here's another uncomfortable possibility.
Sometimes our children's achievements become intertwined with our own sense of success.
We feel proud when they do well.
And why wouldn't we?
Seeing your child work hard and achieve something is wonderful.
But sometimes that pride becomes something more complicated.
Their sporting success makes us feel successful.
Their academic achievements reassure us that we've done a good job.
Their university offers become something we can tell other people about.
And their failures, disappointments or lack of ambition can begin to feel like reflections on us.
We might find ourselves comparing them with other people's children.
So-and-so's daughter has got into Oxford.
Their son has made the county team.
She's already got an internship.
He's starting his own business.
Meanwhile, your child is perfectly content doing something entirely different.
Or perhaps hasn't worked out what they want to do at all.
Your child's achievements are not your parenting report card.
And their choices don't have to validate yours.
WHAT IF THEY DON'T WANT THE LIFE YOU WANT FOR THEM?
This can be surprisingly difficult.
Perhaps you value financial security above almost everything else because you grew up without it.
Your child wants to become an artist.
Perhaps you built a successful career through hard work and academic achievement.
Your child has absolutely no interest in university.
Perhaps you've always loved sport and physical activity.
Your child would rather spend the afternoon drawing, reading or making music.
Or perhaps you dreamed of travelling the world, while your child seems perfectly happy staying close to home.
It can be tempting to see these differences as a failure to recognise opportunity.
But they may simply reflect different personalities, interests and values.
A successful life doesn't have to look the same to everybody.
Our job isn't necessarily to produce a smaller version of ourselves, complete with the mistakes corrected.
It's to help our children discover who they are.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OPPORTUNITIES THEY'LL REGRET MISSING?
This is probably one of the hardest parts.
Because sometimes children really do make decisions they later regret.
They give up an instrument.
They don't revise enough.
They abandon a sport.
They turn down an opportunity.
And years later, they might say:
“I wish I'd stuck with that.”
But regret is part of being human.
We can't protect our children from every disappointment or poor decision.
Nor can we guarantee their happiness by making all the decisions for them.
And there's something important about learning to choose, experiencing consequences and discovering what matters to us.
That doesn't mean abandoning guidance or allowing children to make every decision regardless of age or circumstances.
It means gradually giving them more ownership as they develop the maturity to exercise it.
Sometimes the lesson isn't in making the perfect decision. It's in learning how to make decisions at all.
ARE YOU HEARING WHAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY SAYING?
Imagine your teenager says:
“I don't want to do football anymore.”
Your immediate reaction might be:
“But you're so good at it!”
Or:
“You'll regret it.”
Or:
“We've spent a fortune on this.”
All understandable reactions.
But before responding, what about asking:
“What's making you feel that way?”
Perhaps they're bored.
Perhaps they're exhausted.
Perhaps the coach is making them miserable.
Perhaps they feel under too much pressure.
Perhaps their friends have left.
Perhaps they've discovered something else they enjoy more.
Or perhaps they genuinely want to stop.
Understanding the reason doesn't mean automatically agreeing.
But it does mean you're responding to their experience rather than your assumptions.
Sometimes we become so busy explaining why our children should want something that we forget to ask why they don't.
THE OTHER SIDE: WHEN WE HOLD THEM BACK
Interestingly, our own experiences can influence parenting in the opposite direction too.
Perhaps you took a risk that went badly.
You started a business and lost money.
You moved abroad and hated it.
You pursued an uncertain career and struggled financially.
Now your child wants to do something similar.
And every instinct tells you to discourage them.
You think you're protecting them.
And perhaps you are identifying genuine risks worth discussing.
But it's worth remembering that your experience isn't necessarily a prediction of theirs.
Their circumstances, abilities, resources and opportunities may be different.
We can accidentally pass on our fears just as easily as our ambitions.
The challenge is helping children understand risks without making them afraid to live.
WHAT DO THEY ACTUALLY WANT?
This sounds like an obvious question.
But it's surprising how easily it gets lost.
What does your child enjoy?
What interests them?
What are they curious about?
What do they find satisfying?
What matters to them?
And perhaps just as importantly:
What kind of person are they?
Some children are highly competitive.
Others aren't.
Some thrive under pressure.
Others find it overwhelming.
Some are naturally academic.
Others are creative, practical, entrepreneurial, sociable or technically minded.
Some know what they want to do at 15.
Others are still figuring it out at 25.
Or 45, for that matter.
There isn't one correct timetable for discovering your direction in life.
And children don't need to excel at everything they enjoy.
Sometimes they're allowed to do something simply because they like doing it.
Not because it will lead to a scholarship, qualification, career or impressive achievement.
Just because it's fun.
Imagine that.
MAYBE YOUR UNFULFILLED DREAM STILL BELONGS TO YOU
Here's a thought.
What if, instead of encouraging your child to pursue the thing you never did, you explored whether there's still a version of it available to you?
Perhaps you wanted to learn an instrument.
What's stopping you now?
Perhaps you regret never going to university.
Could you take a course?
Perhaps you wanted to travel.
Could you begin planning something?
Perhaps you wish you'd pursued a sport.
Could you take it up recreationally?
Not every missed opportunity can be recreated.
And practical limitations are real.
But some dreams don't have to be handed down to the next generation.
They might still be yours to pursue.
And perhaps one of the best examples we can set our children is showing them that learning, growing and trying new things don't stop when we become parents.
A FEW QUESTIONS WORTH ASKING YOURSELF
What opportunities do I regret missing when I was younger?
What do I wish my parents had encouraged me to do?
What do I wish they'd allowed me to stop doing?
Are there things I push my children towards because I wish I'd done them myself?
How do I react when my child doesn't share my enthusiasm for something?
Am I disappointed for my child, or disappointed for myself?
Do I sometimes compare my children's achievements with those of other children?
Do I feel that their successes or failures reflect on me?
Am I helping them discover their interests, or steering them towards mine?
Do I listen when they say they don't enjoy something?
Am I encouraging perseverance, or am I struggling to let go?
Have my own disappointments made me overly cautious about their choices?
What does success look like to my child — and is it different from my definition?
Is there an unfulfilled ambition of my own that I could still explore?
And perhaps the most revealing question:
If my child chose a life that made them genuinely happy but looked nothing like the one I'd imagined for them, how would I feel?
THE TAKE-HOME MESSAGE
Most parents want their children to have wonderful lives.
We want them to be happy, fulfilled, secure and able to make the most of their opportunities.
And naturally, our own experiences influence what we think those opportunities should be.
But our children aren't here to correct our mistakes, fulfil our ambitions or live the alternative lives we sometimes imagine for ourselves.
They're individuals, with their own personalities, interests, abilities, values and dreams.
That doesn't mean we shouldn't guide them.
It doesn't mean we shouldn't encourage effort, perseverance or ambition.
And it certainly doesn't mean standing back while they make every decision without support.
It means remembering whose life we're helping to shape.
We can open doors for our children without insisting they walk through every one of them.
We can offer opportunities without demanding enthusiasm.
We can share our experiences without expecting them to make the same choices.
And we can be proud of the people they're becoming, even when their path looks very different from the one we'd have chosen.
Because perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children isn't the chance to live the life we wish we'd had.
It's the freedom and support to discover the life that's right for them.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION
This handout is intended for general life-coaching, parenting education and self-reflection. It is not a substitute for individual psychological, educational or family support. Children's needs and decision-making abilities vary with age, development and circumstances.
For client use only. Please do not copy, reproduce, distribute or share without permission.
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