Who Are You Trying to Impress?

And are they even paying attention?

Have you ever spent weeks organising your child's birthday party? The decorations are colour-coordinated, the cake looks like it belongs in a wedding magazine, and the party bags have cost more than your weekly food shop. Meanwhile, your child would probably have been perfectly happy with a game of musical bumps, a packet of crisps and an M&S Colin the Caterpillar cake.

But never mind whether the children had fun. What did the other parents think?

There's so much pressure on parents to get everything right. The birthday parties, Christmas presents, family holidays, what their children wear and which extracurricular activities they do. And preferably with photographic evidence that everybody is having the time of their lives.

But this isn't just about parenting. It's the dinner party where you've spent two days cooking when everyone might have been perfectly happy with a ready-made lasagne from Cook. The outfit you've changed six times before going out (and checked in three different mirrors). The living room you've redecorated, partly because you rather like the idea of somebody walking in and saying, "Wow! You've got such fabulous taste!"

Or the gorgeous villa in Provence that you're genuinely looking forward to — but are also rather enjoying telling people about.

And here's the interesting thing. We don't always recognise when we're trying to impress people. And even when we do, we might not particularly want to admit it.

Because we'd all like to think we're making our own choices, wouldn't we? But are we?

Who's watching?

We're social creatures. We naturally notice, evaluate and compare ourselves with other people. We also care about how we're perceived, although some of us are more concerned about this than others.

Sometimes we're very aware that we're trying to impress someone. Other times, the motivation can be much more subtle. Perhaps we casually mention an achievement, make sure everyone knows how extraordinarily busy we've been, or put a little more effort into our appearance because we know who's going to be there.

Perhaps we talk about our partner's impressive job, our children's achievements or someone important we happen to know. A little name-dropping, perhaps? We might want to appear successful, intelligent, attractive, interesting, capable or simply somebody who's doing rather well at life.

And perhaps we don't particularly want to acknowledge that. Me? Trying to impress people? Absolutely not! Although, now you mention it, did I tell you about our villa in Provence?

There's nothing inherently wrong with enjoying admiration. But are we doing something because it brings us pleasure, because we like the impression it creates, or perhaps a bit of both?

When good enough doesn't feel good enough

Sometimes our desire to impress overlaps with perfectionism. The house must be immaculate before visitors arrive. The dinner party has to be fabulous. We must look effortlessly stylish, excel at work, have successful children and generally appear to have everything under control.

Exhausting, isn't it?

There's nothing wrong with having high standards or taking pride in what we do. But sometimes perfectionism isn't simply about wanting to do something well. It can also involve worrying about criticism, judgement or not measuring up.

Are we trying to achieve something because it matters to us, or because we're worried about what people might think if we don't? And when our sense of being good enough becomes tied to getting everything right, there's always something else to perfect.

Keeping up with everyone else

Psychologist Leon Festinger introduced social comparison theory to explain how we evaluate ourselves in relation to other people. And goodness, there are plenty of opportunities.

Someone has a fabulous house, an impressive career, beautifully behaved children or a seemingly wonderful relationship. Suddenly, something we were perfectly happy with five minutes ago doesn't seem quite so impressive.

Perhaps you loved your living room until you visited somebody else's beautifully decorated house. Or you were rather pleased with your birthday cake until you saw the three-tier creation another parent had produced. Suddenly, yours looks as though it was assembled during a power cut.

Did you actually want something different, or did seeing somebody else's version make you question your own?Comparison can inspire us, but it can also leave us chasing standards we never particularly wanted in the first place.

The perfectly curated life

And then, of course, there's social media. The fabulous holidays, beautifully dressed children, romantic anniversary dinners, immaculate houses and happy families smiling into the camera. Everyone seems to be having an absolutely wonderful time.

But are they?

That gorgeous family photograph might have been taken thirty seconds after an almighty argument. The romantic dinner might be one pleasant evening in an otherwise struggling relationship. And the smiling holiday photograph doesn't show the delayed flight, miserable teenager or row about whose turn it was to navigate.

We're seeing selected moments, not necessarily the whole picture.

And sometimes we're the ones creating those highlights. We share the lovely photograph, exciting news or wonderful weekend, while leaving out the bits that weren't quite so wonderful.

Perhaps we're simply sharing happy memories. Or perhaps there's also a little part of us that wants other people to think we're living a fabulous life. Neither possibility needs to be judged. It's simply worth noticing.

Are we enjoying our experiences, or occasionally becoming more concerned with how those experiences look to other people?

And here's the irony. While we're comparing our ordinary, messy lives with everyone else's seemingly perfect ones, they may be doing exactly the same thing.

A life that looks wonderful isn't necessarily a life that feels wonderful.

Are they even paying attention?

Here's some rather reassuring psychology. Researchers have identified something called the spotlight effect — our tendency to overestimate how much other people notice our appearance and behaviour.

In one experiment, people wearing an embarrassing T-shirt thought considerably more people would notice it than actually did.

Which is comforting when you think about it. Because while you're lying awake wondering whether everybody noticed that ridiculous thing you said at dinner, they're probably lying awake worrying about something ridiculous they said.

Could we be spending an extraordinary amount of energy worrying about judgements that nobody has even made?

What are you trying to prove — and to whom?

Sometimes we're not trying to impress people with possessions or appearances. We're trying to maintain an image of ourselves.

The clever one. The successful one. The strong one. The wonderful parent. The person who always has everything under control.

Perhaps we avoid asking for help because we want to appear capable. We don't admit we don't know something because we want to seem knowledgeable. Or we hide our struggles because they don't fit the image.

And sometimes the audience isn't even part of our lives anymore. An old schoolfriend. A former colleague. A critical parent. Somebody who once made us feel inadequate.

Could we still be trying to prove something to somebody who isn't even watching?

Psychologists also describe contingent self-worth — when our sense of personal value depends heavily on achievement, approval or meeting particular standards.

There's a difference between enjoying recognition and feeling that we need it to be good enough. Perhaps it's worth considering whose expectations we're trying to meet, and whether they still reflect what matters to us today.

A little self-reflection

There are no right or wrong answers. Just a few questions worth considering.

1. Who are you trying to impress? Are there particular people whose opinions matter more to you than you'd like to admit?

2. What do you most want other people to think about you? Successful, attractive, intelligent, capable, interesting, kind — or something else?

3. Are you always aware when you're seeking approval? Can you think of something you did partly to create a particular impression, even if you didn't recognise it at the time?

4. If nobody was going to see it, photograph it, compliment it or hear about it afterwards, would you still want to do it?

5. Where does perfectionism show up in your life? Are your standards driven by personal satisfaction, fear of judgement, or a combination?

6. How does social media influence your expectations? What do you choose to share, and how do you feel when you compare your life with what others share?

7. Whose expectations might you still be carrying? Do they reflect your own values and priorities today?

8. What might you do differently if you worried a little less about impressing other people?

A final thought

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, admired or appreciated. We're human. We want to belong, and recognition can feel wonderful. And sometimes we genuinely enjoy the fabulous outfit, the impressive achievement, the beautifully decorated house or the Pinterest-worthy birthday party.

But perhaps it's worth being curious about our motivations. Because there's a difference between doing something because it brings us joy and doing it because we hope it will make other people think well of us.

And sometimes, if we're being particularly truthful, we might discover that we're putting on quite a performance for an audience that's largely preoccupied with its own life.

Perhaps the aim isn't to stop caring what anybody thinks. It's simply to notice when their imagined opinions are influencing our decisions. And maybe, as we become more aware of those influences, we can give ourselves a little more freedom to make choices that genuinely suit us — even if nobody else is particularly impressed.

If nobody was watching, would you still choose the same life?

Something to think about, don't you think?

The psychology behind this sheet

• Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140. — Social comparison.

• Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. — Overestimating how much others notice us.

• Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review, 108(3), 593–623. — Approval, achievement and self-worth.

• Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470. — Perfectionism and perceived social expectations.

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Disclaimer: This handout is intended for general information, education and self-reflection only. It does not diagnose or treat any psychological or mental health condition or replace professional medical or psychological advice. The psychological concepts discussed are offered as possibilities for reflection, not explanations for any individual's behaviour. Fusion Fit coaching supports self-awareness, personal development and behaviour change but does not provide clinical diagnosis or treatment.