F55 — WHAT DO I WANT?

When you've spent so long thinking about everybody else that you genuinely don't know anymore.

You know what everybody else wants. But what about you?

What would you like to do this weekend?

A perfectly reasonable question.

Except you haven't got a clue.

Well, what does everybody else want to do?

Are the children around?

What's your partner doing?

Does anybody need a lift?

Is there something you ought to be doing?

Perhaps you could suggest something once you've worked out everyone else's plans.

Sound familiar?

Or perhaps somebody asks where you'd like to go for dinner.

“Oh, I don't mind. Anywhere.”

What would you like to watch?

“Whatever you fancy.”

Where would you like to go on holiday?

“I'm easy.”

What would you like to do with your life?

Ah.

Now there's a question.

Because perhaps you've spent so many years considering everybody else's needs, preferences, schedules and ambitions that you've rather lost touch with your own.

You know what your children like to eat.

What your partner enjoys doing.

What your employer expects.

What your parents need.

What everybody else has planned for Christmas.

But ask yourself what you genuinely want, and there's an uncomfortable silence.

When did you become so good at knowing what everybody else wants that you stopped asking yourself?

1. How do we lose touch with what we want?

It doesn't usually happen overnight.

Perhaps you had children.

And suddenly your life revolved around feeding, washing, transporting, entertaining and generally keeping several small human beings alive.

Your own preferences became less important than everybody else's immediate needs.

Or perhaps you entered a relationship and gradually adapted to your partner's routines, interests and expectations.

Maybe your career became all-consuming.

Or you spent years caring for somebody.

Or managing a household.

Or simply being the reliable person who made everything happen.

None of these things is inherently negative.

Loving people, supporting them and taking responsibility can be deeply meaningful.

But perhaps, over time, you've become so accustomed to accommodating other people that you've stopped noticing what you might choose for yourself.

Have your own preferences disappeared — or have you simply stopped giving them much attention?

There's an important difference.

2. The person who is always 'easy'

Some people pride themselves on being easy-going.

Flexible.

Accommodating.

Not making a fuss.

And these can be lovely qualities.

But there's a difference between genuinely not minding and automatically deferring to everybody else.

Perhaps you say:

“I'm happy with whatever you want.”

But are you?

Sometimes, yes.

Sometimes you genuinely have no preference.

But sometimes you do have a preference.

You just don't express it.

Perhaps you don't want to disappoint somebody.

Or cause an argument.

Or seem demanding.

Or perhaps it's simply easier to let somebody else decide.

And after years of doing that, making your own choices can feel surprisingly unfamiliar.

Am I being flexible because I genuinely don't mind — or because I've become uncomfortable expressing what I want?

You can be considerate without being permanently accommodating.

3. When your identity becomes your responsibilities

For years, you might have described yourself primarily through your roles.

Mother.

Father.

Partner.

Wife.

Husband.

Employee.

Manager.

Carer.

Daughter.

Son.

The person who organises everything.

These roles can be enormously important.

But they don't necessarily describe the whole of you.

Perhaps you were once somebody who loved dancing.

Travelling.

Writing.

Sport.

Music.

Art.

Meeting new people.

Or doing things spontaneously.

But those interests gradually slipped down the priority list.

And eventually disappeared from the diary altogether.

Not necessarily because you stopped enjoying them.

But because there wasn't much room.

Who were you before your life became so full of responsibilities?

And perhaps more importantly:

Which parts of that person would you like to bring into your life now?

You don't need to return to an earlier version of yourself.

You may have changed considerably.

But perhaps there are things you've forgotten you enjoy.

4. Do you actually know what you like?

Here's an interesting little experiment.

Forget the big questions for a moment.

Don't start with:

“What is my life's purpose?”

That's quite a lot to tackle before lunch.

Start with something smaller.

What food do you really enjoy?

What music would you choose?

Where would you like to go for a weekend?

What would you do with a completely free afternoon?

What clothes make you feel most like yourself?

What sort of people do you enjoy spending time with?

What activities leave you feeling energised?

You might find these questions easy.

Or surprisingly difficult.

Perhaps your preferences have become so entwined with other people's that you automatically consider their choices first.

For example, you've spent years eating at restaurants your partner likes.

Watching television your family enjoys.

Holidaying where everybody else wants to go.

And choosing activities that fit around other people's schedules.

What would you choose if nobody else's preferences needed to be considered for a moment?

Not because other people don't matter.

But because you matter too.

5. What do you enjoy — and what are you simply good at?

This is another fascinating distinction.

Perhaps you're very good at organising things.

Managing people.

Solving problems.

Looking after others.

Planning.

Keeping everything running smoothly.

And because you're good at these things, people rely on you.

Perhaps you even receive praise for them.

But here's a question:

Do you actually enjoy doing the things you're good at?

Because being competent at something doesn't automatically mean it brings you fulfilment.

You might be brilliant at your job but find it completely draining.

Excellent at organising family events but secretly wish somebody else would take responsibility.

A wonderful listener but tired of being everybody's unpaid therapist.

Or exceptionally good at managing the household but desperate to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with anybody else's laundry.

Sometimes we confuse our abilities with our desires.

What am I good at because I've practised it for years — and what do I genuinely enjoy?

They may overlap.

But they don't have to.

6. When your children no longer need you in quite the same way

Parenthood can dominate decades of life.

For years, your time is structured around somebody else's needs.

School.

Activities.

Homework.

Meals.

Appointments.

Transport.

Emotional support.

And an extraordinary amount of washing.

Then gradually, things change.

Your children become more independent.

They make their own plans.

Spend more time with friends.

Leave home.

Or simply need you in different ways.

And perhaps you find yourself with a little more time.

Which sounds wonderful.

Except you're not entirely sure what to do with it.

You may have spent so long organising your life around your children that choosing something purely for yourself feels unfamiliar.

Perhaps even selfish.

But having interests and ambitions of your own doesn't mean you love your children any less.

If I no longer need to organise every hour around somebody else's needs, what might I like to do with some of that time?

You don't have to fill every available space.

Sometimes the first step is simply getting used to having choices again.

7. When a relationship has shaped your choices

Long-term relationships naturally involve compromise.

You develop shared routines.

Mutual interests.

Ways of doing things.

And perhaps, over time, one person's preferences become more dominant.

Not necessarily through deliberate control.

Sometimes it simply happens.

One person is more decisive.

More particular.

Or more vocal about what they enjoy.

The other is more flexible.

And gradually, the relationship develops a familiar pattern.

You eat where they like.

Holiday where they prefer.

Spend weekends doing their activities.

And perhaps you've become so accustomed to these arrangements that you rarely stop to consider your own wishes.

This can become particularly noticeable after a separation or divorce.

Suddenly, you can make your own choices.

But you may not know what you want.

Or you might find the freedom rather exciting.

Possibly both.

Which parts of my life reflect genuine shared preferences — and which have I simply adapted to over time?

Healthy relationships can make room for both people's individuality.

And rediscovering your preferences doesn't necessarily require changing your relationship.

Sometimes it starts with expressing them.

8. Are you frightened of being selfish?

This can be a significant barrier.

Perhaps you were brought up to put other people first.

Be helpful.

Don't complain.

Don't make a fuss.

Think about everybody else.

And these messages may have shaped how you behave.

So when you begin considering your own wants, you feel uncomfortable.

You might think:

“Shouldn't I be grateful for what I've got?”

“Isn't this a bit self-indulgent?”

“Other people have much bigger problems.”

“What will everybody think?”

But wanting something for yourself doesn't automatically mean neglecting somebody else.

There is a difference between selfishness and having legitimate preferences, needs and aspirations.

Can I care deeply about other people while also making room for what matters to me?

Of course, responsibilities don't disappear simply because you've decided you'd like to learn Italian and spend three months in Tuscany.

But perhaps there's room for a little negotiation.

Or a weekend in Italy.

Or even just the Italian lessons.

It's a start.

9. What if you don't know what you want because you've never had the chance to explore?

Sometimes people assume they should simply know what they want.

As though there's a fully formed answer waiting somewhere inside them.

But perhaps you've never had the time, freedom or opportunity to discover certain interests.

You can't know whether you enjoy pottery if you've never tried it.

Or pickleball.

Or singing in a choir.

Or travelling alone.

Or studying something completely different.

Perhaps your preferences aren't lost.

Perhaps some haven't been discovered yet.

And that means you don't necessarily need to sit in a chair and think harder.

You may need to experiment.

Try things.

Meet people.

Visit places.

Experience something new.

What could I try without needing to know in advance whether I'll love it?

You don't have to turn every new interest into a lifelong commitment.

Sometimes you can simply try something.

And discover that it's not for you.

Useful information.

Next!

10. What if you want something different from what you're supposed to want?

This is where things can become uncomfortable.

Perhaps you've reached a stage of life where other people have expectations.

You should want to retire.

You should want to spend more time at home.

You should want a certain kind of relationship.

You should be happy with your career.

You should want to slow down.

Or perhaps you should be ambitious.

Successful.

Busy.

Productive.

The list of things we're apparently supposed to want is remarkably long.

But what if your preferences don't fit?

Perhaps you're in your sixties and want to start a business.

In your fifties and want to retrain.

In your thirties and want a quieter life.

Or you're perfectly happy not pursuing the conventional milestones that everybody else seems so interested in.

Am I pursuing something because I genuinely want it — or because I believe it's what somebody like me is supposed to want?

Your life doesn't have to follow somebody else's script.

11. Are you waiting for permission?

Perhaps you have an idea.

Something you'd like to do.

A course.

A trip.

A hobby.

A career change.

A different way of spending your time.

But before you act, you find yourself wondering what everybody else will think.

Will they approve?

Will they understand?

Will they think it's silly?

Selfish?

Unrealistic?

Perhaps you've spent so long considering other people's opinions that you've started treating their approval as a requirement.

Of course, some choices affect other people and deserve discussion.

But others are yours to make.

You don't necessarily need a committee meeting to decide whether you'd like to join a choir.

Whose permission am I waiting for — and do I actually need it?

Sometimes the person who needs to give you permission is you.

12. What if you want lots of different things?

Perhaps you've finally started asking yourself what you want.

And suddenly you've got ideas.

Lots of them.

You want to travel.

Study.

Get fitter.

Make new friends.

Start a business.

Learn an instrument.

Redecorate the house.

And possibly move to France.

Excellent.

But now you've got another problem.

Which one first?

You don't need to pursue everything immediately.

And you don't need to decide what you want for the rest of your life.

Perhaps you could start by identifying what matters most now.

Some desires are short-term.

Some are longer-term.

Some are simply possibilities worth exploring.

What would I most like more of in my life over the next six months?

That's often a more manageable question than trying to design your entire future in one afternoon.

See also F53 — I Have Too Many Ideas!

13. What if what you want has changed?

This is important.

Perhaps you once wanted a particular career.

A certain lifestyle.

A big house.

A busy social life.

Or a particular version of success.

And perhaps you worked very hard to achieve it.

But now you're not sure you want the same things.

That's allowed.

Your priorities may change as you get older.

As your circumstances evolve.

As you gain experience.

Or simply as you learn more about yourself.

You don't have to keep wanting something just because you wanted it twenty years ago.

Nor do you have to justify changing your mind.

Am I still pursuing an old ambition because it genuinely matters — or because I've invested so much in it that I feel I ought to continue?

Sometimes personal growth involves discovering new ambitions.

And sometimes it involves recognising that an old one no longer fits.

14. What do you want more of — and less of?

Sometimes asking “What do I want?” feels too big.

So try something simpler.

What would you like more of?

Freedom?

Fun?

Connection?

Adventure?

Rest?

Learning?

Creativity?

Confidence?

Independence?

Purpose?

What would you like less of?

Pressure?

Obligation?

Conflict?

Routine?

Loneliness?

Busyness?

Resentment?

People pleasing?

Feeling responsible for everybody?

These questions can reveal what matters without requiring you to make an enormous life decision.

Perhaps you don't need a completely different life.

Perhaps you need more space for the parts of life that make you feel like yourself.

What am I missing — and what am I carrying that I no longer need?

15. Start noticing your reactions

Here's a simple way to reconnect with your preferences.

Pay attention to everyday experiences.

When do you feel energised?

When do you feel drained?

What do you look forward to?

What do you dread?

When do you feel most relaxed?

When do you feel most like yourself?

Which conversations leave you inspired?

Which activities make you lose track of time?

And when do you find yourself thinking:

“I'd love to do that.”

These reactions aren't instructions you must automatically follow.

But they can provide useful clues.

Perhaps you feel particularly alive when you're learning.

Or outdoors.

Or being creative.

Or spending time with certain people.

What is my everyday life already telling me about what I enjoy?

Sometimes the clues are there.

We just haven't been paying attention.

16. Practise having an opinion

If you've spent years deferring to other people, expressing preferences can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

So start small.

Which restaurant would you choose?

What film would you like to watch?

Where would you like to go for a walk?

What would you like to eat?

What would you do with a free afternoon?

And perhaps, rather than automatically saying:

“I don't mind.”

Try:

“Actually, I'd really like…”

You don't need to become demanding.

Or insist on getting your own way.

You can still compromise.

But compromise works rather better when both people's preferences are known.

Could you practise expressing what you want without feeling you have to apologise for wanting it?

It's a small habit.

But it may have a surprisingly large effect.

17. A practical exercise: Rediscovering what you want

Take a piece of paper and finish these sentences.

I used to love…

Think about interests or activities that have disappeared from your life.

I've always wanted to try…

Don't worry about whether they're realistic yet.

I feel most like myself when…

Notice the people, places and activities involved.

I feel energised by…

What leaves you feeling engaged or enthusiastic?

I feel drained by…

What consistently takes more than it gives?

If nobody else's opinion mattered, I might…

An interesting one.

If I had a completely free Saturday, I would…

Not what you ought to do.

What you'd actually choose.

Something I do mainly because other people expect it is…

Are those expectations reasonable?

Something I'd like to do more often is…

Choose something achievable.

One small thing I could do for myself this week is…

Start there.

You don't need to emerge from this exercise with a five-year plan.

Perhaps one small rediscovered preference is enough for now.

18. Where does coaching fit in?

This is a particularly valuable coaching topic because it touches on identity, values, autonomy, confidence, boundaries and life transitions.

A coach might explore:

F — Foundations: Where am I now?

How much of my life is organised around other people's needs?

Where do I have genuine choice?

U — Understanding Yourself: What makes me tick?

What do I enjoy?

What energises me?

What matters to me?

S — Strengths & Struggles: What's helping me, and what's holding me back?

Am I good at accommodating others?

Do I struggle to express preferences?

Am I frightened of disappointing people?

I — Intentions: What do I really want, and why?

What would I like more of?

What would I like less of?

Which desires reflect my own values?

O — Options & Opportunities: What could I do differently?

What could I explore?

Try?

Change?

Negotiate?

Or stop doing?

N — New Habits: How can I make the changes stick?

How can I regularly make space for my preferences?

What would help me continue considering my own needs alongside everybody else's?

The aim isn't to encourage somebody to abandon their responsibilities or put themselves first in every situation.

It's to help them recognise that their own preferences and aspirations deserve consideration too.

19. The Fusion Wellness Wheel connection

Rediscovering what you want can touch every area of the Fusion Wellness Wheel.

Physical Health: What would looking after my health mean to me, beyond what other people recommend?

Movement & Strength: What types of movement do I actually enjoy?

Nutrition: What foods and routines suit my preferences and lifestyle?

Sleep & Recovery: What would help me feel more rested, and am I making room for it?

Emotional Wellbeing: Am I comfortable expressing my needs and preferences?

Relationships & Connection: Do my relationships allow room for my individuality?

Work, Career & Purpose: Am I doing work I enjoy, work I'm good at, or simply work I've always done?

Money & Security: How do my financial choices support the life I want to create?

Personal Growth & Fulfilment: What would I love to learn, experience or explore?

Lifestyle & Environment: Does my everyday life reflect my preferences, or mainly everybody else's?

Perhaps you don't need to transform every section of the Wheel.

You might simply notice one area where your own wishes have been missing for a while.

Never just one thing. Everything is connected.

A few questions worth asking yourself

When was the last time I made a choice purely because it was what I wanted?
Do I automatically consider everybody else's preferences before my own?
Am I genuinely easy-going, or have I become accustomed to deferring?
What did I enjoy before my life became dominated by responsibilities?
Which of those interests would I like to revisit?
What have I always wanted to try?
What am I good at but don't particularly enjoy?
What makes me feel energised and engaged?
What leaves me feeling drained?
Do I find it difficult to express my preferences?
Am I worried that wanting something for myself is selfish?
Whose approval am I seeking?
What am I doing because I believe I should?
Have my priorities changed over time?
Am I still pursuing goals that no longer matter to me?
What would I like more of in my life?
What would I like less of?
If I had more freedom over my time, how would I use it?
What's one small choice I could make for myself this week?
If I stopped asking everybody else what they wanted for a moment, what might I discover about what I want?

Something to take away

It's surprisingly easy to lose touch with your own preferences.

Not necessarily because you've forgotten who you are.

But because life gets busy.

People need you.

Responsibilities grow.

Routines become established.

And gradually, considering everybody else's needs becomes second nature.

Perhaps you've become very good at knowing what other people want.

And rather less practised at asking yourself.

But your preferences haven't necessarily disappeared.

Some may simply have been neglected.

Others may have changed.

And some might still be waiting to be discovered.

You don't need to make dramatic changes.

Leave your relationship.

Quit your job.

Move abroad.

Or announce that you're embarking on an entirely new life.

Although if you've always fancied learning Italian, perhaps you could start with a few lessons rather than immediately buying a villa in Tuscany.

Sometimes rediscovering what you want begins with something very small.

Choosing the restaurant.

Picking the film.

Trying a new activity.

Saying no to something you don't want to do.

Or saying yes to something you do.

You can love the people in your life, fulfil your responsibilities and still have wishes, interests and ambitions of your own.

And perhaps the next time somebody asks:

“What would you like to do?”

Instead of automatically replying:

“Oh, I don't mind.”

You might stop for a moment.

Think about it.

And say:

“Actually, I'd really like…”

Because perhaps it's time you had a say too.

Something to think about, don't you think?

FUSION FIT UK
MOVE WELL • EAT WELL • LIVE WELL

For client use only. This handout is intended for general wellbeing education and coaching reflection. It does not replace psychotherapy, counselling, medical advice or specialist mental health support.

Rediscovering personal preferences can involve navigating relationships, caring responsibilities and major life transitions. Where choices are restricted by controlling behaviour, coercion or abuse, specialist support may be appropriate. Coaching should not replace such support.

Please do not reproduce or distribute without permission.

Useful research and further reading

Ryan & Deci (2000) — Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being. Explores autonomy, competence and relatedness as important psychological needs. Read the research.
Deci & Ryan (2000) — The “What” and “Why” of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Explores how the reasons behind our goals influence motivation and wellbeing. Read the research.
McAdams & McLean (2013) — Narrative Identity. Examines how people construct and revise their sense of identity through life experiences. Read the research.
Ibarra (1999) — Provisional Selves: Experimenting with Image and Identity in Professional Adaptation. Explores how trying new roles and behaviours can support identity development. Read the research.
Neff (2003) — Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Explores a kinder, less self-critical approach to personal experience. Read the research.

Research on autonomy, identity and motivation supports the value of exploring personally meaningful goals and preferences. Individual circumstances, responsibilities and relationships influence how those preferences can be expressed; rediscovering what you want need not involve dramatic or immediate life changes.