STOP COMPARING YOURSELF
You’re not comparing like with like
We all do it.
She's thinner than me.
They're better off than us.
Her children are doing brilliantly.
Their marriage seems happier.
She's more successful than me.
They've got a gorgeous house.
They're always on holiday.
She looks amazing for her age.
And within about five minutes, you've taken somebody else's life, compared it with your own and somehow emerged feeling considerably worse.
Welcome to comparison.
A remarkably efficient way of making a perfectly decent life feel slightly inadequate.
COMPARISON IS HUMAN
Comparing ourselves with other people is normal. Psychologists call it social comparison — we naturally use other people as reference points when judging how we're doing.
Sometimes that's useful.
Someone can inspire us, give us ideas or show us what's possible.
The problem starts when:
Their life becomes the measuring stick for the value of yours.
YOU'RE NOT COMPARING LIKE WITH LIKE
You may be comparing:
Your body with someone who has completely different genetics.
Your career with someone who didn't take years out to raise children.
Your finances with someone who inherited money.
Your fitness with someone who has trained for 20 years.
Your children with children who have completely different abilities and circumstances.
Your relationship with one you actually know very little about.
We see the outcome. We don't always see what sits behind it.
Different genetics.
Different money.
Different support.
Different responsibilities.
Different health.
Different opportunities.
Different starting points.
Different lives.
So why would we expect the same results?
AND THEN THERE'S SOCIAL MEDIA
Once upon a time, we compared ourselves with friends, family, colleagues and perhaps that irritatingly put-together woman at the school gate.
Now we can compare ourselves with thousands of people before breakfast.
Perfect bodies.
Perfect houses.
Perfect marriages.
Perfect holidays.
Perfect children.
Someone apparently making homemade sourdough at 6am before doing Pilates on a terrace overlooking the Mediterranean.
Meanwhile, you've run out of milk.
More importantly, you know the whole of your own life — the arguments, worries, insecurities, bank balance, bad days and washing basket.
You generally see a tiny fraction of theirs.
You're comparing your behind-the-scenes footage with somebody else's highlights.
MIDLIFE CAN BECOME ONE BIG SCORECARD
By midlife, there are an extraordinary number of things available to compare.
Career.
Money.
House.
Relationship.
Children.
Appearance.
Weight.
Fitness.
Holidays.
Social life.
Retirement plans.
And eventually:
“Am I where I should be by now?”
But where exactly should you be?
There isn't one correct timeline for a life.
People start again.
Change careers.
Divorce.
Fall in love.
Lose money.
Make money.
Get fitter.
Become grandparents.
Discover new interests.
Completely change direction.
Sometimes at 30.
Sometimes at 50.
Sometimes at 70.
Your life isn't running late because it doesn't look like somebody else's.
TURN COMPARISON INTO INFORMATION
Rather than simply telling yourself to stop comparing — which isn't particularly realistic — get curious about it.
If somebody repeatedly makes you feel envious, ask:
What exactly am I envious of?
Her body?
Or her confidence?
Their holidays?
Or the freedom and adventure they represent?
Her career?
Or the fact she's doing something she finds meaningful?
Their social life?
Or the connection and friendship you're missing?
Comparison can sometimes show us something we genuinely want.
Instead of:
“Why does she have that and I don't?”
Try:
“What is this showing me that I'd like more of in my own life?”
Now comparison has become information rather than ammunition.
AND REMEMBER...
While you're looking at somebody else thinking:
She's got everything sorted.
Someone may be looking at you thinking exactly the same thing.
We are remarkably good at noticing what other people have and remarkably poor at noticing what we do.
So next time you catch yourself comparing, ask:
Do I know the full story?
Are our circumstances actually comparable?
Is this inspiring me or making me feel inadequate?
Is there something useful I can learn from it?
And perhaps the best question of all:
Do I actually want their life — or do I just want the bit I'm looking at?
Because those are two very different things.
There is no final leaderboard.
You don't need to have the best life.
You need to build a life that feels right for you.
Look sideways occasionally for inspiration.
But don't spend so much time looking at everybody else's life that you forget to live your own.
RESEARCH & SOURCES
Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.
Myers, T.A. & Crowther, J.H. (2009). Social comparison as a predictor of body dissatisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 118(4), 683–698.
Vogel, E.A. et al. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222.
This handout provides general education about social comparison, mindset and wellbeing. It is not intended to replace individual medical, psychological or mental health advice.
For client use only. Please do not copy, reproduce, distribute or share without permission.
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