Is This Success?
You've achieved what you set out to do. So why doesn't it feel better?
You've worked hard. You've put in the hours, made sacrifices, climbed the ladder and achieved what you set out to do.
You've got the job title, the salary, the house, the car, the qualifications or perhaps the business you always dreamed of building.
On paper, things look pretty good.
Other people might even tell you how lucky you are.
And yet, somewhere along the way, you find yourself wondering:
Is this it?
Surely you're supposed to feel more satisfied than this?
Perhaps you thought you'd be happier once you got the promotion. Or when you earned a particular salary. Or bought the bigger house. Or finally reached that goal you'd been working towards for years.
And you probably did feel wonderful when it happened.
For a while.
But then life carried on. The excitement faded, the responsibilities increased, and before long you were thinking about the next thing.
What happens when you've achieved what you thought you wanted, but it doesn't feel quite the way you expected?
When success looks better from the outside
We tend to have fairly recognisable ideas about success.
An impressive career. Financial security. A lovely home. A successful business. A happy family. Perhaps a few letters after your name.
And there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things.
But they're also relatively easy for other people to see and measure.
It's much harder to measure whether somebody enjoys their work, feels connected to the people around them, has time for themselves or wakes up looking forward to the day.
Someone might have an extraordinarily successful career but feel constantly exhausted. Another person might earn considerably less, work fewer hours and feel enormously satisfied with their life.
Neither is necessarily more successful than the other.
Success might look very different depending on whose definition you're using.
And perhaps that's where some of the confusion begins.
Whose definition of success are you following?
Think back to when you were younger.
What did you imagine a successful life would look like?
Perhaps you wanted a prestigious career, financial independence, a beautiful home, marriage, children or the opportunity to travel.
Where did those ideas come from?
Your parents? Your education? Your friends? Society? Or your own interests and ambitions?
Probably a mixture.
And there's nothing wrong with being influenced by the people and culture around us. But sometimes we spend years pursuing goals without stopping to question whether they still reflect what we actually want.
Perhaps the career you dreamed of at 25 no longer suits the person you are at 45 or 55.
Perhaps financial success once represented freedom, but the demands of maintaining that success now leave you feeling anything but free.
Could you be working very hard to achieve a version of success that no longer fits the person you've become?
Why the excitement doesn't always last
Psychologists use the term hedonic adaptation to describe how we often adjust to changes in our circumstances, including positive ones.
That exciting promotion eventually becomes your normal job. The beautiful new house becomes the place where you put the washing on. The car you couldn't wait to own becomes the one you complain about having to clean.
It's not that these achievements have no value. It's simply that the initial excitement often settles.
And then there's the next goal.
A bigger salary. Another promotion. A more successful business. A better house.
Sometimes this is wonderfully motivating. Ambition can bring purpose, enjoyment and a sense of progress.
But sometimes we find ourselves continually moving the finish line.
Are you pursuing the next achievement because you genuinely want it, or because you've become accustomed to always needing another goal?
And are you giving yourself time to appreciate what you've already achieved?
Achievement and fulfilment aren't quite the same thing
One useful distinction is between external achievement and internal fulfilment.
External achievements are often visible: qualifications, promotions, income, awards, possessions and professional recognition.
Internal fulfilment is more personal. It might involve feeling that your work matters, having meaningful relationships, enjoying autonomy, continuing to learn or living in a way that reflects your values.
Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan developed self-determination theory, which identifies three important psychological needs: autonomy, competence and relatedness.
In everyday language, that means having some choice over how we live, feeling capable and effective, and experiencing meaningful connections with others.
These needs can help explain why two people with similar achievements might experience very different levels of satisfaction.
You might be extremely competent at something you no longer enjoy. You might earn an impressive salary but have very little control over your time. Or you might achieve professional recognition while feeling increasingly disconnected from the people who matter to you.
What does success give you — and what, if anything, is it costing you?
The trouble with being good at something
Here's an interesting possibility.
What if you're successful at something simply because you're very good at it?
You've spent years developing your skills. People respect your expertise. You earn a good living. You're the person everyone relies on.
But do you actually enjoy it?
Sometimes our competence can keep us on a path long after our enthusiasm has faded.
And the more successful we become, the harder it can feel to question that path.
After all, why would anyone walk away from something they've worked so hard to achieve?
Other people might think you're mad.
You might even think you're mad.
But being good at something doesn't necessarily mean you have to keep doing it forever.
Equally, questioning your direction doesn't mean you need to abandon your career, sell your house or make dramatic changes.
Sometimes fulfilment comes from making adjustments rather than starting again.
Success can change as we change
What mattered enormously at 25 might not matter quite so much at 50.
Perhaps success once meant earning more money, building a career or proving what you were capable of.
Now it might mean having greater flexibility, spending more time with family, pursuing meaningful work, maintaining your health or simply having enough time to enjoy the life you've created.
Or perhaps you're still ambitious, love your work and want to achieve even more.
That's equally valid.
The point isn't that one definition of success is better than another.
It's that we're allowed to change our minds about what success means.
And perhaps it's worth checking occasionally whether the life we're working so hard to build is one we're actually enjoying.
A little self-reflection
There are no right or wrong answers. These questions are an opportunity to explore your own definition of success.
What does success mean to you today? Try answering without referring to what other people might think.
How has your definition of success changed? What mattered to you ten or twenty years ago, and what matters now?
Whose expectations have influenced your ambitions? Family, friends, colleagues, society or perhaps an earlier version of yourself?
What have you achieved that you're genuinely proud of? Have you allowed yourself to appreciate it?
Have you ever reached a goal and felt unexpectedly disappointed or underwhelmed? What had you expected the achievement to give you?
Which parts of your life feel most fulfilling? What is it about those experiences that makes them meaningful?
What might your current version of success be costing you? Time, energy, relationships, freedom or something else?
If nobody knew your job title, salary, qualifications or achievements, how would you describe a successful life?
What would you like more of in the next chapter of your life? And what might you be willing to have less of?
A small exercise: Redefining success
Complete these sentences without worrying about what sounds impressive.
I used to think success meant…
These days, what matters more to me is…
The parts of my life that give me the greatest satisfaction are…
Something I'm pursuing that may no longer matter quite as much is…
If I could change one thing to make my life feel more fulfilling, it would be…
Now consider whether there's one small adjustment you could make to bring your everyday life a little closer to your own definition of success.
It doesn't have to be a dramatic change. Sometimes it's simply about recognising what matters and making more room for it.
A final thought
There's nothing wrong with ambition, achievement, financial success or wanting to make something of ourselves.
These things can bring enormous satisfaction, opportunity and security.
But perhaps success deserves a broader definition than the one we sometimes inherit or absorb from the world around us.
Because a life that looks impressive isn't necessarily a life that feels fulfilling.
And reaching the top of the ladder might be rather disappointing if, somewhere along the way, you've realised it was leaning against the wrong wall.
Perhaps the question isn't simply whether you've achieved what you set out to do.
It's whether what you're working towards still reflects the life you actually want to live.
And remember, changing your definition of success doesn't mean your previous achievements were wasted. They may have been exactly right for an earlier chapter of your life.
What would success look like if you stopped trying to prove you'd made it — and started thinking about what would make your life feel meaningful to you?
Something to think about, don't you think?
The psychology behind this sheet
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The 'what' and 'why' of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. — Autonomy, competence, relatedness and motivation.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2001). On happiness and human potentials: A review of research on hedonic and eudaimonic well-being. Annual Review of Psychology, 52, 141–166. — Pleasure, meaning and psychological wellbeing.
Brickman, P., & Campbell, D. T. (1971). Hedonic relativism and planning the good society. In Adaptation-Level Theory. Academic Press. — Adaptation to changes in circumstances.
Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (1996). Further examining the American dream: Differential correlates of intrinsic and extrinsic goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 22(3), 280–287. — Different relationships between life goals and wellbeing.
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Disclaimer: This handout is intended for general information, education and self-reflection only. It does not diagnose or treat any psychological or mental health condition or replace professional medical, psychological, legal or financial advice. The concepts and questions are offered to encourage personal reflection, not to suggest that any particular career, lifestyle or definition of success is preferable. Fusion Fit coaching supports self-awareness, personal development and behaviour change but does not provide clinical diagnosis or treatment.