If Only…
Be careful about putting your life on hold while you wait for something to change.
If only I lost a stone…
If only I had more time…
If only I earned more money…
If only I had a partner…
If only my partner was different…
If only the children were older…
If only work wasn't so busy…
If only I looked like I did ten years ago…
If only I could just get everything sorted…
Then what?
I'd be happier.
I'd feel confident.
I'd relax.
I'd start looking after myself.
I'd wear the clothes.
I'd go on the holiday.
I'd have more fun.
I'd finally feel as though life was properly underway.
Welcome to the land of “If Only…”
Most of us visit fairly regularly.
Sometimes “If Only” Is Completely Reasonable
Let's get this out of the way first.
Some circumstances genuinely do make life harder.
More money can reduce financial stress.
Leaving a deeply unhappy job may improve your life.
Recovering from illness matters.
Having more support can make an enormous difference.
Losing weight may be important to someone for perfectly valid reasons.
This isn't about pretending circumstances don't matter.
It's about noticing when we make one change the entry requirement for everything else.
“I'll allow myself to live properly when…”
That's where “if only” can become a problem.
The Moving Finish Line
Have you ever reached an “if only” and discovered another one waiting behind it?
If only I lost a stone.
You lose it.
If only I lost another half stone…
If only I got the promotion.
You get it.
If only I earned a bit more…
If only we moved house.
You move.
Six months later you're standing in the new kitchen thinking about the extension.
Humans are remarkably good at adjusting to a new normal.
The thing we imagined would change everything can simply become life.
And then the finish line moves.
What Do You Think It Will Give You?
This is where “if only” becomes interesting.
Take:
“If only I lost weight…”
Finish the sentence.
Then I would…
Wear different clothes?
Go swimming?
Feel attractive?
Date?
Be photographed?
Go on holiday?
Feel confident?
Now ask:
What am I really looking for?
Perhaps it isn't only a smaller body.
Perhaps it's confidence, freedom, acceptance or permission.
That doesn't mean you can't still want to lose weight.
It means you've discovered there may be something else worth working on too.
Don't Wait for the Perfect Conditions
I'll exercise when work calms down.
I'll see my friends when I'm less busy.
I'll start cooking properly when the children leave home.
I'll take up something new when I'm fitter.
I'll wear that when I've lost weight.
The trouble is that life has an irritating habit of replacing one complication with another.
Work calms down and something happens at home.
The children become independent and your parents need you.
The diary clears and somebody fills it again.
If you're waiting for a completely clear run at life, you may be waiting a while.
Ask a Different Question
Instead of:
“What would I do if only X changed?”
try:
“Is there any part of that life I could have now?”
If you'd travel when you felt more confident, could you take the trip anyway?
If you'd wear more interesting clothes after losing weight, could you buy something you love now?
If you'd be more sociable when work calms down, could you protect one evening a month now?
If you'd exercise if you had more time, what could you do with 20 minutes?
It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Your “If Only” Worksheet
My “if only” is:
If only ___________________________________________
If that happened, I imagine I would feel:
And I imagine I would start doing:
What do I think this change would really give me?
☐ Confidence
☐ Freedom
☐ Security
☐ Happiness
☐ Connection
☐ Acceptance
☐ Adventure
☐ Peace
☐ Energy
☐ Permission
☐ A sense of achievement
☐ Something else: ______________________________
Is everything I'm hoping for genuinely dependent on that change?
What could I begin doing, experiencing or allowing myself now?
What is genuinely outside my control?
What is within my control right now?
You Can Want More and Still Live Now
You can want to lose weight and buy clothes you feel good in now.
You can want a relationship and build a full life while you're single.
You can want more money and notice what already makes life enjoyable.
You can want your circumstances to change without making your current life a waiting room.
There will probably always be another:
If only…
So perhaps the question isn't whether there is something you'd like to change.
It's: