Give Them a Break

Sometimes people aren't being difficult. They're having a difficult time.

We've all encountered them.

The rude shop assistant who barely acknowledges us.

The impatient driver who seems determined to make everybody else's journey miserable.

The colleague who's unusually abrupt. The friend who hasn't replied to three messages. The person who seems distracted, distant or simply not themselves.

And how quickly do we make a judgement?

How rude.

What's their problem?

Well, clearly they can't be bothered.

Perhaps we take it personally. Maybe we feel irritated, offended or rejected.

But here's the thing.

We see somebody's behaviour. We don't necessarily see what's behind it.

That shop assistant might have just received some devastating news.

The distracted colleague may be caring for a seriously ill parent.

Your friend might be struggling with something they haven't told anyone about.

And the impatient driver? Well, perhaps they're simply impatient. But perhaps they're rushing to a hospital.

We don't know.

And that's rather the point.

The stories we tell ourselves

Our brains are constantly trying to make sense of the world.

We observe something, interpret it and quickly form a conclusion.

Someone doesn't reply to our message.

They're ignoring me.

Someone walks past without saying hello.

They obviously don't like me.

A colleague snaps during a meeting.

They're such a difficult person.

But these are interpretations, not necessarily facts.

And once we've created a story, we can become surprisingly attached to it.

We start noticing things that support our judgement while overlooking alternative explanations.

What if the story you've told yourself about somebody else's behaviour isn't the whole story?

A little psychology: The fundamental attribution error

Psychologists have a name for one of the ways we misinterpret other people's behaviour.

It's called the fundamental attribution error.

In simple terms, we often explain other people's behaviour by assuming it reflects their personality or character, while underestimating the influence of their circumstances.

Someone arrives late.

They're disorganised.

Someone is short-tempered.

They're rude.

Someone forgets something important.

They're inconsiderate.

But when we behave in exactly the same way, we're often rather more understanding.

I was late because the traffic was dreadful.

I snapped because I've had an exhausting day.

I forgot because I've got so much on my mind.

Funny how our own behaviour comes with an explanation, while everybody else's comes with a personality assessment.

Of course, this tendency isn't universal, and context matters. But recognising it can help us question our first impressions.

Are you judging somebody's character when you may only be seeing their circumstances?

Everyone has a life you can't see

Most of us carry things that aren't immediately obvious to other people.

Grief. Financial worries. Relationship difficulties. Illness. Loneliness. Anxiety about children or ageing parents.

Perhaps somebody is navigating a divorce.

Perhaps they've had another sleepless night.

Perhaps they're overwhelmed, frightened or simply exhausted.

And most of the time, they're not walking around wearing a sign explaining what's happening.

They still go to work, buy groceries, answer emails and sit in traffic.

They may look perfectly fine.

But looking fine and feeling fine aren't necessarily the same thing.

How differently might you respond if you knew what somebody was going through?

It's not always about you

This can be particularly useful when we feel hurt by someone else's behaviour.

A friend seems distant.

A colleague doesn't acknowledge your contribution.

Somebody speaks to you rather abruptly.

Our minds can immediately make it personal.

What have I done?

Are they annoyed with me?

Why are they treating me like this?

But sometimes their behaviour has very little to do with us.

They may be distracted by something entirely unrelated.

That doesn't mean our feelings are invalid.

It simply means our first interpretation may not be accurate.

Could you leave a little room for another explanation before deciding what somebody's behaviour means?

Curiosity instead of judgement

Giving somebody the benefit of the doubt doesn't mean inventing excuses for everything they do.

It means recognising that you might not have all the information.

Instead of thinking:

She's so unfriendly.

You might wonder:

I wonder whether something's going on.

Instead of:

He's deliberately ignoring me.

Perhaps:

Maybe he's overwhelmed or distracted.

Instead of:

She's being difficult.

Perhaps:

I wonder what might be making this difficult for her.

That small shift from judgement to curiosity can change how we feel and how we respond.

We may become less defensive, less reactive and more compassionate.

And sometimes, rather than making an assumption, we can simply ask:

"Are you okay? You don't seem quite yourself."

We might discover something important.

Or we might not.

Either way, we've left room for understanding.

But empathy doesn't mean being a doormat

There's an important distinction here.

Understanding that somebody may be having a difficult time doesn't mean accepting repeated disrespect, aggression or harmful behaviour.

Someone's circumstances may help explain their actions.

They don't automatically excuse them.

You can be compassionate and still have boundaries.

You can recognise that somebody is struggling while also acknowledging that their behaviour is affecting you.

You might say:

"I can see you're having a difficult day, but I don't feel comfortable being spoken to like that."

Or:

"I understand you've got a lot going on. I also need us to communicate more respectfully."

Can you hold compassion for somebody else's difficulties without abandoning your own needs?

Empathy and boundaries can exist together.

What about when we're the difficult person?

Here's another interesting thought.

We've probably all been the rude shop assistant, distracted colleague or impatient driver at some point.

Perhaps not literally.

But we've all had days when we weren't our most patient, generous or charming selves.

We've snapped at somebody who didn't deserve it.

Forgotten to reply to a message.

Been distracted during a conversation.

Or reacted badly because something else was going on.

And in those moments, wouldn't we rather somebody gave us a little understanding than immediately decided we were a terrible person?

Are you willing to offer other people the same benefit of the doubt that you'd appreciate yourself?

A little self-reflection

1. When did you last feel irritated or hurt by somebody else's behaviour? What happened?

2. What story did you immediately tell yourself about that person?

3. What did you actually know, and what were you assuming?

4. What other explanations might have been possible?

5. How might your response have changed if you'd approached the situation with curiosity?

6. When have you behaved differently because you were having a difficult time? How would you have liked others to respond?

7. Are there particular people or situations where you're especially quick to judge?

8. How can you practise compassion while maintaining healthy boundaries?

A coaching exercise: Fact, story or possibility?

Think of a recent situation in which somebody else's behaviour bothered you.

QuestionYour reflectionWhat actually happened? Stick to observable facts.What did I assume it meant?How did that interpretation make me feel?What else might explain their behaviour?How could I respond with both curiosity and self-respect?

Now ask yourself:

If I didn't automatically assume the worst, what might change?

You don't have to convince yourself that somebody had good intentions.

You simply have to recognise that you may not know.

A final thought

We're all navigating lives that are more complicated than they appear from the outside.

And sometimes the person who seems rude, impatient, distant or difficult is carrying something we know absolutely nothing about.

Of course, some people really are behaving badly. And we don't have to excuse or tolerate that.

But perhaps we could become a little slower to judge and a little quicker to wonder.

Perhaps we could remember that one unpleasant interaction doesn't necessarily tell us everything about a person.

And perhaps, every now and then, we could give somebody the benefit of the doubt.

Because one day, when we're overwhelmed, exhausted or simply having a terrible day, we might appreciate somebody doing exactly the same for us.

Sometimes people aren't being difficult. They're having a difficult time.

Something to think about, don't you think?

The psychology behind this sheet

• Ross, L. (1977). The intuitive psychologist and his shortcomings: Distortions in the attribution process. In Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 10, 173–220. — Introduces the fundamental attribution error and explains how we can overemphasise personality while overlooking circumstances.

• Jones, E. E., & Harris, V. A. (1967). The attribution of attitudes. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 3(1), 1–24. — Classic research demonstrating how people infer personal attitudes even when situational pressures are apparent.

• Gilbert, D. T., & Malone, P. S. (1995). The correspondence bias. Psychological Bulletin, 117(1), 21–38. — Explores why we often interpret behaviour as evidence of someone's character rather than considering external influences.

• Batson, C. D. (2011). Altruism in Humans. Oxford University Press. — Examines empathy and how understanding another person's perspective can influence compassionate behaviour.

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Disclaimer: This handout is intended for general education, self-reflection and personal development. It is not a substitute for counselling, psychotherapy or mental health treatment. Understanding the possible reasons for somebody's behaviour does not mean tolerating abuse, intimidation or repeated harmful conduct. Fusion Fit coaching supports self-awareness, perspective-taking, communication and healthy boundaries.